Supporting a Grieving Sibling

When a brother or sister dies, children grieve too, and some hide it so they won't upset their parents (AAP (opens in a new tab)). The Dougy Center calls it a "before-and-after" experience in childhood.

What helps

• Use simple, honest words like "died." Skip "lost," "passed away" or "went to sleep."
• Answer the same questions as often as they ask. Listen without judging; say back what you heard.
• Tell them they don't have to replace their brother or sister, or fill their role.
• If they feel guilty they're still here, reassure them. Celebrate who they are; avoid comparisons.
• Let them help decide how to honor their sibling, such as what to do on the birthday or anniversary.
• Keep meals and bedtimes steady, and let them still be kids: play, friends, mistakes.
• Tell teachers and coaches what happened (ask older kids first).

When to get more help: talk to your pediatrician if grief changes everyday life, such as a chatty child going quiet or a gentle child starting to hit. Children's grief groups and camps, often free, let kids talk without worrying about upsetting the family.

What you can do today: ask one open question, such as "What do you miss most?", and just listen. Read helping a child grieve a sibling and saying their name.